Current drama is finding the right time/ zone to practice. I can do a few things at a time. I read many books, articles, listen to music and whatnot. But practicing something is a different thing altogether. Decipher, contemplate, articulate, memorize, integrate.
I met my former (guitar) teacher the other day, he told me to keep on going. I said it's not possible for me to quit music, it just keeps coming back, but I knew he meant more than that. To get serious without feeling too much pressure. I envy guitarists. They all seem to know exactly what they want (even if often seems too superficial to me, like playing a scale very fast or learning licks divorced from a song). Most of them have natural talent, and a certain sound that they can aim for... For those people, a teacher is optional, really.
My new (piano) teacher seems ignorant of my weaknesses. Granted, we've only been having lessons for 3 weeks and it's possible that he does know but he's not telling me on purpose... but I have an extreme problem with coordination. So much that sometimes my LH plays RH and vice-versa. So bad that sometimes I lose my train of thought, or have too many interfering thoughts, or forget how to walk and trip all of a sudden. That's why practice time, real, productive practice time has been so rare for me... on top of that I don't know what I really, REALLY want.
What I call talent is simply that, coordination. Making yourself work together. Not being confused. Coincidentally I read what Bernhard wrote about the "three minds". Everything I do is controlled by my intellectual mind. Otherwise, it falls apart. The motional is too clumsy, the emotional too pressured, and the intellectual too slow.
It seems the key to piano playing, and most anything in real life, is the motional mind. How to do things AUTOMATICALLY. I mentioned before that I found social skills too awkward/ difficult. Not I realize it's just a matter of doing it, doing it, doing it until habits are ingrained. Of course when standards/ trends change, I'm in trouble... that's when the other two minds step in and cause chaos, I get angry and try to rationalize it, which makes it even worse.
My school life has been like that, essentially I hate school but after a couple months I can get used to anything... until the point where I can't catch up anymore and BOOM. Actually I love learning, it's just the other factors getting in the way. What's best is a one-to-one setting with clear objectives that I understand. But what school does that these days? So I have only myself, and my music teachers (former, present and future) to rely on.
I don't know what I want, but who does know what he wants in his early twenties? Precious few people start early in life, and that didn't bother most people. Why does it bother me so much? Why can't I be mediocre and just stay somewhere, anywhere even though the music-to-noise ratio is low? Sometimes I think, if I weren't so emotional, would I be successful. I'd be a tough agent by now, enjoying a high salary, knowing the pain was worth it.
Right now I'm looking at short IT courses. My family seems to think I want to do these things professionally but actually I do not. It's just a stop-gap measure. I don't know if it's possible for me to work while studying piano, given that practice time is already little as it is... I'd have to ask my teacher but I have no idea how to frame it. He just smiles and says I'm "progressing well", but what does that mean really?
Can I bet my life on music, study for a couple years and get a return on my investment? If only money was certain, and a compelling enough motivation, I'd take the highest paying job available... I'm broke and my family needs money; my sister's family had stayed in the hospital for almost a month because my baby niece had a surgery. It won't be the last surgery for her heart... I feel useless just thinking about this, I have no money and I can't even give blood since we're not compatible. It sucks. Compared to my sister's problems, mine seem so petty that if I had any honor at all I'd be begging or prostituting. I can't tell my parents to buy me a piano anymore. How could I? My lessons are already breaking the bank! I tell myself, musicians and music teachers can make lots of money, just wait a few years, maybe I'll even work abroad... that's the only justification I have left for myself.
With so much drama, how can I practice? But with so much at stake, how could I not?
Topic: Tell me your drama