PIANO COMEDY CENTRAL!

[Spatula]

Post all your funny, stupid, exciting, and ...umm lame jokes here!

Like:

There were two peanuts walking down the street and one of them got "a-salted".

hahaha

Or,

There were two apples on an elevator and one of them said "what floor are we going to?" and the other apple turns around and says "HOLY SH!T! It's a talking apple!"

[Spatula]

It doesn't have to be piano related BTW, even though the topic does say "PIANO COMEDY CENTRAL!"

[donjuan]

Bob and Frank are friends.  Bob wants to go to Hawaii, but needs someone to take care of his cat.  Frank agrees to stay at Bobs house and care for the cat.  So Bob goes on the vacation.  Two days later, he calls home:
"Hey Frank, how are you?"
"I'm doing well, I hope your vacation is going well"
"Frank, how is my cat doing?"
Bob says, "Well, look here's the thing..Your cat's DEAD."
"WHAT?! how?"
"I dunno- Just kinda dropped dead."
Bob lets out a sigh and says
"Frank, you cant just tell me things like that!  you should tell me something like 'the cat is on the roof', and when I call again, say the firemen are up trying to get him down.  When I call again, you carefully tell me the cat jumped off by accident and died painlessly."
Frank says, "oh, ok..sorry about that.."
"Listen Frank, forget about the cat.  I forgive you.  Tell me, how is my Grandma?"
"Oh, she's up on the roof!"  

haha
donjuan

[Spatula]

Grandma got ran over by a reindeer!    

[Nightscape]

There once was a man who was walking down a very dusty road.  He wasn't sure where he was going- but he knew he had to get there fast.  Along the way, he met a young lady who was also in the same situation.  Together, they set off into the unknown.  After some time, they came upon two boxes: one yellow, and one blue.  The lady says, "Sir, what should we do?  Should we choose the yellow box, or the blue box?".  He thought about it for some time, and replied, "I realize that these are difficult times.  But one must make a choice, a choice that may radically alter the future of our lives.  Only one man may make that choice- that man is me."  The lady could feel goosebumps on her skin- his speech had been very moving. With little reserve in his step, the man approached the boxes.  And without thinking twice, he opened the blue box and the universe exploded.

[scrabble]

A child's perspective on adult behavior...

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then. --Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married. --Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
long enough. --Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns. --Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. --Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that. --Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she loooks pretty even if she looks like a truck. --

[scrabble]

Sorry, I couldn't resist...

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man said. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

[Spatula]

Speaking of George Dubya Bush jokes:

These are ACTUAL quotes that the president of the USA have spoken:

"I like reading books, they have lots of pictures in them"

"It is an unimaginable honour for the American citizen to imagine prospering in this great nation of ours" (applause follows)

"I will meet with Canadian President Jean Poutine to discuss the situation on terrorism"

"Teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country

"That's why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental—supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel."

"Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me."

"In the last 32 months, history has placed great demands on our country, and events have come quickly." —Carlisle, Virginia, May 24, 2004

"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."—May 25, 2004

"More Muslims have died at the hands of killers than—I say more Muslims—a lot of Muslims have died—I don't know the exact count—at Istanbul. Look at these different places around the world where there's been tremendous death and destruction because killers kill."

"In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn't serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences."

"There is no such thing necessarily in a dictatorial regime of iron-clad absolutely solid evidence. The evidence I had was the best possible evidence that he had a weapon."

"One of the most meaningful things that's happened to me since I've been the governor—the president—governor—president. Oops. Ex-governor. I went to Bethesda Naval Hospital to give a fellow a Purple Heart, and at the same moment I watched him—get a Purple Heart for action in Iraq—and at that same—right after I gave him the Purple Heart, he was sworn in as a citizen of the United States—a Mexican citizen, now a United States citizen."

"So thank you for reminding me about the importance of being a good mom and a great volunteer as well."

"I want to remind you all that in order to fight and win the war, it requires an expenditure of money that is commiserate with keeping a promise to our troops to make sure that they're well-paid, well-trained, well-equipped."

"[T]he best way to find these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people coming forth to describe the location of the hole, is to give clues and data."
OMG I LOVE THAT ONE! IT CRACKS ME UP!

"[A]s you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say."

"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the—the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice."

"[W]hether they be Christian, Jew, or Muslim, or Hindu, people have heard the universal call to love a neighbor just like they'd like to be called themselves."—Washington, Oct. 8, 2003

"[T]hat's just the nature of democracy. Sometimes pure politics enters into the rhetoric."—Crawford, Texas, Aug. 8, 2003

"Security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace.

"I think the American people—I hope the American–I don't think, let me—I hope the American people trust me."—Washington, D.C., Dec. 18, 2002

"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."

"There may be some tough times here in America. But this country has gone through tough times before, and we're going to do it again"

"Do you have blacks, too?"

''I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe—I believe what I believe is right."

"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."

"They misunderestimated me."

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

"I understand small business growth. I was one."

"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."

"We ought to make the pie higher."

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."

"Gov. Bush will not stand for the subsidation of failure."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."

"I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less...I pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm more interacting with people."

"I think we agree, the past is over." WELL DUH!

"This is a world that is much more uncertain than the past. In the past we were certain, we were certain it was us versus the Russians in the past. We were certain, and therefore we had huge nuclear arsenals aimed at each other to keep the peace. That's what we were certain of...You see, even though it's an uncertain world, we're certain of some things. We're certain that even though the 'evil empire' may have passed, evil still remains. We're certain there are people that can't stand what America stands for...We're certain there are madmen in this world, and there's terror, and there's missiles and I'm certain of this, too: I'm certain to maintain the peace, we better have a military of high morale, and I'm certain that under this administration, morale in the military is dangerously low."

"He has certainly earned a reputation as a fantastic mayor, because the results speak for themselves. I mean, New York's a safer place for him to be."

"The fact that he relies on facts...says things that are not factual...are going to undermine his campaign."

BUSH: "First of all, Cinco de Mayo is not the independence day. That's dieciseis de Septiembre, and ..." MATTHEWS: "What's that in English?" BUSH: "Fifteenth of September." (Dieciseis de Septiembre = Sept. 16)

"The fundamental question is, 'Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president, it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective."
WAY TO PROMOTE YOUR CAMPAIGN THERE BUSHIE  

"States should have the right to enact reasonable laws and restrictions particularly to end the inhumane practice of ending a life that otherwise could live."

[Allan]

                            Kerry=Scary

Did you hear about the first upcoming debate?  Since Kerry has taken so many opposing positions on issues, he will debate himself!!    

[Tash]

a horse walks into a bar and says 'ouch'

[Spatula]

a horse walks into a bar and says 'ouch'

I think it'd say more like "neeeer fffffppp ffpffpfffpp, neeer"

[JK]

THE TEST:

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

[m1469]

Two polar bears are sitting on an iceberg, one turns on a transistor radio, the other jumps into the water.

Ask me if I am a truck...

[m1469]

I know a great knock-knock joke... you start

[allchopin]

a horse walks into a bar and says 'ouch'

If you're going to steal a joke, at least don't tweak it and ruin it.

[donjuan]

Speaking of George Dubya Bush jokes:

These are ACTUAL quotes that the president of the USA have spoken:

"I like reading books, they have lots of pictures in them"

"It is an unimaginable honour for the American citizen to imagine prospering in this great nation of ours" (applause follows)

"I will meet with Canadian President Jean Poutine to discuss the situation on terrorism"

"Teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country

"That's why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental—supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel."

"Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me."

"In the last 32 months, history has placed great demands on our country, and events have come quickly." —Carlisle, Virginia, May 24, 2004

"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."—May 25, 2004

"More Muslims have died at the hands of killers than—I say more Muslims—a lot of Muslims have died—I don't know the exact count—at Istanbul. Look at these different places around the world where there's been tremendous death and destruction because killers kill."

"In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn't serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences."

"There is no such thing necessarily in a dictatorial regime of iron-clad absolutely solid evidence. The evidence I had was the best possible evidence that he had a weapon."

"One of the most meaningful things that's happened to me since I've been the governor—the president—governor—president. Oops. Ex-governor. I went to Bethesda Naval Hospital to give a fellow a Purple Heart, and at the same moment I watched him—get a Purple Heart for action in Iraq—and at that same—right after I gave him the Purple Heart, he was sworn in as a citizen of the United States—a Mexican citizen, now a United States citizen."

"So thank you for reminding me about the importance of being a good mom and a great volunteer as well."

"I want to remind you all that in order to fight and win the war, it requires an expenditure of money that is commiserate with keeping a promise to our troops to make sure that they're well-paid, well-trained, well-equipped."

"[T]he best way to find these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people coming forth to describe the location of the hole, is to give clues and data."
OMG I LOVE THAT ONE! IT CRACKS ME UP!

"[A]s you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say."

"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the—the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice."

"[W]hether they be Christian, Jew, or Muslim, or Hindu, people have heard the universal call to love a neighbor just like they'd like to be called themselves."—Washington, Oct. 8, 2003

"[T]hat's just the nature of democracy. Sometimes pure politics enters into the rhetoric."—Crawford, Texas, Aug. 8, 2003

"Security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace.

"I think the American people—I hope the American–I don't think, let me—I hope the American people trust me."—Washington, D.C., Dec. 18, 2002

"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."

"There may be some tough times here in America. But this country has gone through tough times before, and we're going to do it again"

"Do you have blacks, too?"

''I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe—I believe what I believe is right."

"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."

"They misunderestimated me."

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

"I understand small business growth. I was one."

"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."

"We ought to make the pie higher."

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."

"Gov. Bush will not stand for the subsidation of failure."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."

"I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less...I pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm more interacting with people."

"I think we agree, the past is over." WELL DUH!

"This is a world that is much more uncertain than the past. In the past we were certain, we were certain it was us versus the Russians in the past. We were certain, and therefore we had huge nuclear arsenals aimed at each other to keep the peace. That's what we were certain of...You see, even though it's an uncertain world, we're certain of some things. We're certain that even though the 'evil empire' may have passed, evil still remains. We're certain there are people that can't stand what America stands for...We're certain there are madmen in this world, and there's terror, and there's missiles and I'm certain of this, too: I'm certain to maintain the peace, we better have a military of high morale, and I'm certain that under this administration, morale in the military is dangerously low."

"He has certainly earned a reputation as a fantastic mayor, because the results speak for themselves. I mean, New York's a safer place for him to be."

"The fact that he relies on facts...says things that are not factual...are going to undermine his campaign."

BUSH: "First of all, Cinco de Mayo is not the independence day. That's dieciseis de Septiembre, and ..." MATTHEWS: "What's that in English?" BUSH: "Fifteenth of September." (Dieciseis de Septiembre = Sept. 16)

"The fundamental question is, 'Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president, it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective."
WAY TO PROMOTE YOUR CAMPAIGN THERE BUSHIE  

"States should have the right to enact reasonable laws and restrictions particularly to end the inhumane practice of ending a life that otherwise could live."

you missed one of my favorites:
"SO, the final question is, is our children learnin?"

[Tash]

If you're going to steal a joke, at least don't tweak it and ruin it.

steal??? that was just a joke a friend used to say continuosly back in yr8 and it was the first thing that come into my mind. steal it from what???

[Spatula]

I know a great knock-knock joke... you start

knock knock....  

[Spatula]

you missed one of my favorites:
"SO, the final question is, is our children learnin?"

It's in there  

[donjuan]

It's in there  

oh yeah, it is!!
You dont miss a thing.

[Spatula]

Eagle eye for the cool guy.

[Spatula]

This is why I'm grateful for Mr. Paul Martin.

https://media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php?e=sovereignty.mov

[JK]

Here's a funny story about a man falling asleep in church:

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[donjuan]

Here's a funny story about a man falling asleep in church:

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

HAHA ROFLAO X1000

[Spatula]

Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high five.

"You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day their gonna scream too late, and we're gonna die."

[Spatula]

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!

[Spatula]

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f**king going!"

[donjuan]

Spatula, you must be a super fast typist to post so much in so little time!

[JK]

Here's a story about that all too nervous time, having dinner with your girlfriends parents:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

[Spatula]

Spatula, you must be a super fast typist to post so much in so little time!

I have my own ways.