your favorite clean jokes!

[pencilart3]

Some people are like slinkys, you just can't help but smile as they tumble down the stairs.      

[chopinlover01]

Here's a funny joke-
Jokes without dark humor in them.

Seriously though, a lot of humor needs an edge to it. Not necessarily a shock value effect per se, but a bit of an edge that gets the point across.

[pencilart3]

It's interesting you say that, because people naturally laugh when they're nervous or uncomfortable. They do it to show that everything is OK after all. So, when people make "dirty" jokes, people naturally get uncomfortable, and thus laugh because they want to show everyone they are all right. That is what a lot of jokes are coming to these days. I think that the best jokes are ones that are actually humorous - not just making you uncomfortable so you laugh. That's why I asked for clean ones so it didn't just become crude joke after crude joke   

[chopinlover01]

It's interesting you say that, because people naturally laugh when they're nervous or uncomfortable. They do it to show that everything is OK after all. So, when people make "dirty" jokes, people naturally get uncomfortable, and thus laugh because they want to show everyone they are all right. That is what a lot of jokes are coming to these days. I think that the best jokes are ones that are actually humorous - not just making you uncomfortable so you laugh. That's why I asked for clean ones so it didn't just become crude joke after crude joke   

Most people I know who tell dirty jokes do it because they find it humoresque, not because it gets laughs because everyone is uncomfortable.
For example, in my close circles of friends (many of whom, like myself, are atheists), we make jokes about religious fundamentalists, and we laugh because we see the humor in it, and think it's funny, not because we're uncomfortable with religious fundamentalists.

[pencilart3]

Ok, whatever...   Let's just tell some clean jokes, OK?  

[chopinlover01]

Alright, here's one that only involves a few f-bombs.
A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "***, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuckn missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh ***" The priest said, "That's it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "***, I Missed".

[pencilart3]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA man if it weren't for the f bombs that would be hillarious... and it still is...

[josh93248]

A hermaphrodite, Gianna Micheals and Max Hardcore walk into a bar-

Oh wait

I did it wrong  

[pencilart3]

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger... then it hit me...

[josh93248]

Dawwww, that's cute.

[pencilart3]

3 guys walk into a bar.

The hobbit simply walks under it and laughs at them.

[josh93248]

You started this thread just to get all these out there didn't you?

[pencilart3]

You started this thread just to get all these out there didn't you?

Man, I can't Handel this! Stop Haydn it! Just tell me - what is your Liszt of favorite piano pieces? I think I saw you Chopin for some new piano books, but I think you have a hard time finding any that Suite you. You know, even though they're Debussy, I mean - dead, you see, you can still Ravel in their music. Think Bach to the olden days of music - I don't think it would be Rimsky-(Korsakov not) to say that they Shore knew how to compose back then. I have just been practicing so much piano that I Baroque my fingers the other day. I really need Compose myself with my practicing habits.

THESE ARE GETTING PATHETIQUE

[josh93248]

That was painfully funny to read... Did you end up googling Gianna Micheals by the way Noah? Learn anything?

[pencilart3]

Hm... I don't see anything for Gianna Micheals. What am I missing?!

[josh93248]

Oh really? Try on your school computer.

[pencilart3]

Oh really? Try on your school computer.

I'm missing something obvious... and I don't have a school computer 

[josh93248]

I can't think what, Gianna Micheals is simply a very popular entertainer. She might be a bit too mainstream for you though...

[pencilart3]

Lol ok, I guess I'm just ignorant

[josh93248]

Don't worry about it Noah, you'll grow up soon

[pencilart3]

Don't worry about it Noah, you'll grow up soon

Hopefully.... 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa. Not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car. 

[kevonthegreatpianist]

Hopefully....  

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa. Not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car.  

I want to die in a car or a school or something, so my parents could sue them and get rich and retire in the country club or something.

[dcstudio]

how many pianists does it take to change a light bulb?


100--1 to change the  bulb and 99 to stand around saying.... awwww man I can do THAT!

[chopinlover01]

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One- but the light bulb has to want to move.
Another one; How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two- one to screw in the bulb, and the other to observe how it symbolizes a beacon of light in another world of cosmic nothingness.

[dcstudio]

THAT WAS HILARIOUS 

[pencilart3]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why?

To get to the idiot's house.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

The chicken.

[chopinlover01]

You know, for something to be a joke, it typically requires being funny..
Unless it's an anti joke. Maybe we should start a thread for that.
What do you call a black guy who drives a plane all day?
A pilot, you racist f**k.

[pencilart3]

The one I've heard that's like that is, What do you call a black guy who sells drugs? A pharmacist, you racist!

How do you get a clown to stop smiling? Hit it with an axe. < There's an anti joke!

[chopinlover01]

I'd also like no extraneous apostrophes, but the world can't be perfect 
Why did the muslim die on his plane?
It flew into the WTC.

...sorry XD

[pencilart3]

What's green and has wheels?

GRASS!!!!

 i lied about those wheels

[kevonthegreatpianist]

theres an idiot on the keyboard between y and i

(sorry if i offend you)
theres a black and mexican in a car. who's the driver?
ans: the cops

i have 73583475 burgers and i eat them all. what do i have now?
ans: type 3 diabetes

[pencilart3]

i have 73583475 burgers and i eat them all. what do i have now?
ans: type 3 diabetes

No, it's "John has 36 candy bars. He eats 28 of them. What does he have now?"

DIABETES. John has diabetes.

Or, "I have 6 apples in one hand and 8 oranges in the other. What do I have?"

VERY LARGE HANDS.

[kevonthegreatpianist]

how many pianists does it take to change a light bulb?


100--1 to change the  bulb and 99 to stand around saying.... awwww man I can do THAT!

 harry potter joke

Q: How many Weasleys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don't. They screw in the burrow.

[minor9th]

A junior high aged kid goes door to door looking for odd jobs. He knocks on one door:

Kid: Hey mister, Do you have any jobs that I could do around the house?
Man: Well, I was about to paint my porch. What would you charge?
Kid: Mmm...$50.
Man: Deal. Hang on while I get the paint.

About 30 minutes later the kid knocks on the door again.

Kid. OK, mister, I'm finished. There was some paint left over, so I applied a second coat. By the way, that's not a porch, it's a Lexus.

[richardb]

Knock knock, who's there, Knock knock, who's there, Knock knock, who's there, Knock knock, who's there, Knock knock, who's there, Knock knock, who's there, Knock knock, who's there, Knock knock, who's there,  Philip Glass.

Maybe not my favorite but a cute one I think I learned on this forum.

[pencilart3]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house.

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

The chicken.



@richardb & minor9th LOL

[pencilart3]

What's the difference between a large pizza and a professional pianist?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

ouch

[swagmaster420x]

What's the difference between a large pizza and a professional pianist?

ouch

The pizza in my fridge is relatively fresh.