depression.

[klavierkonzerte]

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh   i don't know why i'm writing this, i just want talk

i tried to kill myself,for the second time,  but it didn't work (duh)
and i had speeding ticket then the cops stopped me and said you don't look normal then vroom vroom to the police station
and my therapist told me today you must start prozak next week
i just turned 20 and i have gone crazy CRAZY i tell you, CRAZY.
and today after college i felt that my energy was sucked out of me, i don't know how on earth i made it to my car then i just couldn't drive so i asked my aunt to pick me up.
i don't know what's wrong with me it's like i can't enjoy anything anymore, WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH ME

so guy get out of your rooms and be more social befor you lose it as me, no good can come from practsing all day it bad to our ears and health we must get some fresh air

i wish i could play football or vollyball but there's no one to play with. i wish i made friends when i could, i don't have any right now.

ahhh when would my life get any better? or maybe this is as good as it gets
GOD PLEASE TAKE ME.

[m1469]

Until one is committed,
there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back,
always ineffectiveness.
Concerning acts of initiative (and creation)
there is one elementary truth
the ignorance of which kills countless ideas
and splendid plans:
That moment one definitely commits oneself
then Providence moves too
All sorts of things occur to help one
that would never otherwise have occurred.
A whole stream of events issues from the decision,
raising in one's favor all manner
of unforeseen incidents and meetings
and material assistance
which no one could have dreamt would come.
Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
Begin it now.

Goethe





Make the decision at your most fundamental level, to seek beauty everywhere and anywhere you can find it.  When you find it, be grateful for it.  There are so many beautiful things that people take for granted... hot showers, full meals, little flowers, bird's song... find them and write them in a journal and in your heart.  Make the decision to find strength, power, freedom... and act on it.  Decide to let a moment of happiness permeate your entire being and gently wash away the arguments which try to say you do not have the right to be joyful and free. 

Think now on the life inside of you, feel it deeply and wholly, not circumstances all around you, and patiently let this life form and fashion your endeavors.  The answers are all right there within you, just be still and don't be afraid to truly look.  One is only afraid to look within because they think of this as a last resort and become terrified that if they look, they may not find, and then what?  But you will find, because it is there, but you will not know unless you truly look. 

When one finds oneself truly friendless and alone, there becomes a wonderful opportunity to find oneself and discover the strength one has to be truly kind to oneself and to others.  Do not be afraid, just take the first step and then keep walking.  One can scarcely imagine the fulfillment one will experience, living a life chalk full of gratitude.  But one must learn how to be grateful and actively practise, even in the moments of deepest despair. 

And this begins with the decision to do so. 

m1469 

[Allan]

I know life can be tough.  Sometimes I get frustrated and can even feel alone when I am around many people.  The truth is, no one is immune from pain and frustration.  I just hope you know that you are NOT alone.  I also hope you know, by God's grace, that life is worth living.

Humbly yours, 

---Allan

[athykay]

Hang in there, Klav.  This time of the year tends to really bring on the doldrums, particularly in the more northern climes.  However, suicidal thoughts and inability to enjoy anything are signs of serious depression.  Listen to your therapist.  If you suffer from chronic depression, it might be time to bite the bullet and try anti-depressants.  They can make a world of difference.

In the meantime, keep active.  You mention not being able to play sports.  Aren't there any intra-mural teams in your school?  How about working out at the gym, running, swimming.  Good, aerobic exercise will infuse your blood with much needed O2 and help recharge you.

Don't despair.  There are legions of others who go through this and have found help.  You can too.  Don't give up.

[Brian Healey]

Do you think that the piano is related to your depression? If so, maybe you should give it up for a while, or work to rediscover the joy that brought you to the piano in the first place. I think you should spend time playing the piano for people have the greatest passion for it. I strongly suggest going to play at a nursing home or hospital. I think you will be overwhelmed by the awesome power and beauty of music when you play for people that are deprived of it.

It sounds to me like your problems are social, and you are transferring the blame to the piano. I know many pianists who practice rediculous hours and still have a social ife. I strongly suggest trying meditation or yoga, as these two activities have gone a long way toward relieving the stress and negative energy in my own life. You should continue to work with your therapist. I personally would recommend NOT going on something like prozac, but I am certainly no doctor and the decision is yours to make.

I agree with what others have said. The first move is yours to make. If you want to go out and be in the world, then just do it. Go hike a mountain, or find a club or activity at your school that interests you and join. You will make friends this way. There is nothing stopping you from having a social life except yourself. Don't give up hope. The answers to your problems lie within yourself.


Peace,
Bri

[pianonut]

dear klavierkoncerte,

did you try to kill yourself speeding?  i hope that you are physically alright, now.  i have found, over the years, to learn more about depression (and many different kinds of it) by family members, friends, and occasionally myself.  when you have many changes in your life, it can be triggered.  if you are only 20, you may be in a transition from one lifestyle to another (living at home to on your own).  that is really hard nowdays.  moving to another state is difficult.  getting married, having a baby, etc.

preparation for each stage of life is really the key to staying on top of responsibilities and not getting overwhelmed.  at one  point in my life, my debts were all i could think about.  they clouded how i looked at everything, it seemed.  then, i found a debt management program and stuck with it (with my husband) for about five years.  so, when you have a problem (the first solution seems to be 'give up') don't give up.

the second thing, i've found, is actually the first.  prayer.  God obviously wants you - in fact, He needs you.  i never really understood love as i do now with children.  no matter what you do, how bad you act sometimes, what you think of yourself -- He always puts you in a position of great love.  i can see this with the parable of the prodigal son. i've heard sermons where people said, God does not need us (but loves us).  i never believed this, because in my own experience with my own son (and daughters) - i always need to know they are ok, that they are taken care of, and that they will come to me about anything.  if you don't get this from your parents, be different and do it for your own children.  perhaps at that point in your life - it will be better than any therapy you can get for past parental misdeeds.  to see your children really happy (or sad and needing comfort).

people who have been great successes in life usually had hard beginnings.  it makes you more resourceful.  take one day at a time and start writing encouraging messages to yourself and posting them in various places of your apartment or residence.  things you might wish your parents would say, or things you want to start saying to yourself.

as far as friends go.  pick them carefully.  not having many can be better than too many of the wrong kind.  you sound very smart.  often, people are thought to be hard to get along with when they are just socially a little bit hesitant.  you have to start being more agressive in your life.  i learned this from an older friend.  to take good risks.

also, if you kind of know why you are depressed - avoid situations that make you feel this way.  if you broke up with a girlfriend, don't mull over it.  start taking social situations as opportunities to share.  don't be too critical of others.  start seeing the funny side of life (when you feel fed up and on the edge).  and, when you are not feeling good and need cheering up- keep posting on the forum.  forgive.  if your girlfriend said mean things _or anyone- don't take it as the last word on your ego.  if you are able to just let it go, you can find out the real reason for her anger by listening to the totality.  often women say mean things because something else is wrong.  once it is corrected, the hurtful thing may be actually something quite trivial to her.

[donjuan]

A simple poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay:

-----------------------------------
Ashes of Life

Love has gone and left me and the days are all alike;
  Eat I must, and sleep I will, -- and would that night were here!
But ah! -- to lie awake and hear the slow hours strike!
  Would that it were day again! -- with twilight near!

Love has gone and left me and I don't know what to do;
  This or that or what you will is all the same to me;
But all the things that I begin I leave before I'm through, --
  There's little use in anything as far as I can see.

Love has gone and left me, -- and the neighbors knock and borrow,
  And life goes on forever like the gnawing of a mouse, --
And to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow
  There's this little street and this little house.
--------------------------
I hope you are feeling better KlavierKonzerte.  I posted this poem because I like reading depressing poetry when I am feeling depressed just to let myself know I am not alone in this state.  You are not alone either, so chin up friend. 
donjuan 

[Muzakian]

Klavierkoncerte - imagine how much grief you would cause your family if you left this world... I know it sounds a bit corny, but suicide is not the answer. It would be a very sad time at Piano Forum if that happened  I think all of us at some point in our lives think about ending it all, and I am no stranger to it, but you're only 20 man - trust me you still have LOTS of good times to come.
You seem unhappy about not having enough friends? I for one don't judge people by how many friends they have - that's pretty shallow - you're into great music and you're a talented pianist and I'm sure you're a really nice person, that's what counts! Most people only have one or two close friends anyway you know. Go and talk to your therapist - he/she is there to support you when you need it, and they can also prescribe some anti-depressants. Other than that, talk to your family about how you feel, or if that's not possible, you can talk to me on msn (I just added you).
If you've just been through a break-up or some other traumatic experience, then know that what you're going through now is probably grief and not depression. Times of grief are probably the most painful times we will ever experience, but thankfully they are highly transient - within a few weeks, you WILL feel a lot better.
In the meantime, you could try keeping a diary of your thoughts - I think it helps to express how you're feeling, you should try to keep eating the right things and try going for a 30min walk everyday - the exercise will release natural anti-depressant chemicals in your brain.
Hope you feel better soon,
Ryan.

[ChristmasCarol]

I for one am delighted you came in here and wrote instead of leaving the planet.  We are all interconnected.  Suicidal thoughts seem to me an idea that you cannot think of any way out of your situation/mood.  Your age is really tough.  It gets better.  It is an enormous responsibility to figure out what to do with your life.  Sounds like you have not gotten the truthes and support for a paradigm that works.  Life is a gift.  And you have so many more gifts to come.  Have you ever tried anything like Reiki, rolfing, body/mind heart centered therapy?  These things address the whole of you.  I personally find traditional therapies inadequate.  One can analyze and talk about the past and the negative stuff for years and years and still be in the same place.  I pass along to you a simple prayer I learned in times of great pain, seriously,  "help!".  The outward manifestation of your search for meaning begins in that moment.  You are not alone.  Let us know how you're doing. 

[janice]

Unhealed Wounds

I have so many wounds from the past
that it is hard to look forward to the future.
Permanent scars that seem to never heal,
until You reveal more of You.
I forget You can make mountains move,
You can make kingdoms rise and fall,
so I don’t let You control my life,
when it is so small compared to
the power of You.

Chorus:
Reach Your holy hand into my soul.
Fill me up and make me whole.
Fill my holes of sin and wounds,
with Your unfailing love.
Calm the storms inside my soul.
I need Your perfect peace to make me whole.

Forgiveness seems so hard,
when so many people have
caused me scars.
It’s hard even to forgive myself
of my own scars.
You took the ultimate scars for me,
and forgave the sins of the whole world,
not just me.
You knew I would sin against You
before I was born,
so why in my worldly flesh do I
mourn the past,
and face it with shame and scorn?

Bridge:
Help me forget the scars of the past,
I’m letting them rest in You.
Fill me with You,
take the seas of my life,
make calm and waves,
do what You will.
Help my spirit to be still.
_________________

I found this a long time ago from a website, and I am unsure of which one, but I might be able to find it again.  Anyway, this is from the 'creative writing' section.  The author is talking about how God can bring peace, and give hope and meaning, even when life is chaotic and even when it seems to suck. 

I am not as knowledgable as some others here in regards to depression, and different medications, etc.  But I wanted to write and tell you that you are loved.  The God who created this universe created YOU for a REASON and for a PURPOSE.  This same God knows EVERYTHING about you, yet loves you passionately.

Klavierkonzerte, if you need someone to talk to (I'm a GREAT listener!) I have AIM and MSN.  Just PM me.

[klavierkonzerte]

thanks guys for your nice and supportive words, why do people like you only exist on the internet 

i'm alot better these days, i don't know what went wrong with me last week it's like it wasn't me.

i didn't try to kill myself because a break up, actually loving someone is the only reason i didn't kill myself long ago.



donjuan you have awakened the poet inside me     read this i wrote it few days ago.




my lord what, to deserve this miserable life, have i done

why can't i enjoy anything or at all have fun

i can only think of one solution       

which is to point at my head a gun

and never again feel the breaze of the ocean

or see the day light or the sun

and forever be gone.

that's the only way out of my misery

so god please forgive me.



now who would have thought that i could write poetry looool.

thanks again everyone i REALLY  loved all your supportive replies.


 

[donjuan]

That's great!  I am glad you are feeling better.   Another idea to feel better - if you havent already, watch the movie American Beauty with Kevin Spacey and Annette Benning
donjuan

[pianonut]

yes!  we're glad you posted again and are seemingly better.  depression usually doesn't just go away if you are majorly depressed, tho, so i would take it easy on your schedule (don't overdo practice) and decide on small changes in your life that make things easier, better, or more encouraging.  there are natural chemicals released into the body that fight depression when you exercise.  and, for me, deciding to live for God instead of myself.  when you put things back to God, He will take care of all your needs.  Job complained sayinging the same things about a miserable live (or condition) and despite complaining, he learned to be content in whatever situation he found himself.  i think this has to be the hardest lesson of life.  to just be content when you have done all in your power to remedy a situation or feeling.  for me, nature does this.  if i go for a walk, i see that the animals are all taken care of, and amazingly well.  when you are not expecting it, blessings come your way for just being patient with a difficult situation.

you can take encouragement from many composers, too, because mozart, beethoven, chopin, all wrote about times they were depressed or melancholy.  beethoven was suicidal when he learned his deafness was going to be incurable.  he went on to switch from thinking of himself to caring for his nephew carl and his composing.  you have to do something agressive like this, tho, and not sit at home and do nothing (besides practice).  go out.  do anything you like, but get out of the house.

older people are great friends.  go down to the nearest assisted living and just sit in the lobby (much like the airport - if you don't want to meet anyone the first time - just watch and be amused).  soon, they will sit down beside you and some will start telling you how lonely they are, too.  there are many musicians in retirement locations (whether assisted, or just apartments) and they often need little jobs done, or just someone to talk to. and, when they find out you play the piano, they'll probably ask you to come back asap and play some more.  soon, you may have a load of piano students.

[chickering9]

...and never again feel the breaze of the ocean

or see the day light or the sun

and forever be gone...

Resist it as we may that part about "and forever be gone" is something we all have in the bank to look forward to, like it or not.  And the only opportunity we have to have something more than that paltry sum in our little bank account is whatever we manage to extract out of each day's invested energy until that ultimate final withdrawal.  Sure, some days seem like they cost more and there's no return, and thre drain on your emotional account leaves you feeling emotionally bankrupt, but the only thing that gives you *any* chance to improve the bottom line on the balance sheet is *time*.  Never throw it away.  Sometimes the best return on investment of that time is just what you mentioned in those earlier lines,  taking the time to appreciate "the breeze of the ocean" and "see the daylight or the sun".  When I was very young like yourself and very unhappy like you've described, my father told me I had to learn to be happy enough just because it's a beautiful day.  That sounded so empty when he said it, but having simply *persisted* and resisting that impulse to escape the pain with an abrupt exit, I have come to know he was right and that that was the greatest thing he ever taught me.  I have come to appreciate some of the things some might think simple, that are actually mysterious miracles, like the sun and stars at night. And having lived long enough now, I have come full-circle many times to points in my long experience that suggest to me that some of the most reassuring sense of "purpose" to this life are the questions themselves and not the answers we'd so impatiently demand.  Given enough time, you will find that the little good you do in a day for yourself and others adds up over time to a peace of mind that can settle over you like a comfortable down blanket.  The key is persisting long enough to find things you *do* enjoy and spending your time on those.  The world is not of our making and all our tears and pleading will not make it over in our image of order and happiness.  So you have to find your happiness in the things that are around you.  They're there if you look long enough.  And they're enough.  And they can become so precious that that ultimate forever being gone will seem quite a high price in the end.

[Muzakian]

Great to hear you're feeling better klavierkoncerte, and thanks for letting us know!

And that was a beautiful post chickering! I think to paraphrase you in more direct but less eloquent terms, we all tend to have overly romantic concepts of how life will turn out for us when we are young. In fact I think this is the beauty of childhood - the naive yet beautifully romantic outlooks on life are what makes childhood so valuable to all of us. If a child is deprived of this and forced to "grow up" too young, we consider it a tragedy. But all of us have to grow up eventually; life experience inevitably negates many of our idealistic dreams. Eventually we will learn to live with the way the world really is, rather than as we wish it were, and this is when we can find the utmost contentment in admiring the stars, the ocean, the animals et cetera. I think it's that transitional phase between idealism and realism that you, klavierkoncerte, might be at. So don't despair - I think we can all learn to live with the world and indeed, love it. It just takes time.

And by the way, take my comments with a grain of salt if you like, because I'm only 19 and have a lot to learn about life yet.

[chickering9]

...And by the way, take my comments with a grain of salt if you like, because I'm only 19 and have a lot to learn about life yet.

It sounds to me like you've already learned a great deal for such a young age--or any age--and learned to express it very clearly and very well, too.