The Problem Game/Agony Aunts

[jlh]

Pretty simple, simply say what your problem is or tell us what's on your mind that's worrying you, and the next person provides a bad solution to your problem. Ever heard the term 'Agony Aunt', the person who gives solutions to problems in magazines? Think of yourself as a bad Agony Aunt.

For example,

Someone might say 'My finger hurts, any advice?'

And the next person might say 'Chop it off, won't be a problem anymore'. (or something a lot funnier than that pathetic response).  The person that gives advice will follow it with a NEW problem, to be solved by the next poster.

I will go first:

I have a cold at the moment, any advice?

[pianistimo]

get a kitten.

[timothy42b]

get a kitten.

And now you need a blender. 

[nicco]

Then you put the kitten in the blender and Voila!

[timothy42b]

nicco, you're not following the rules.

Susan gave him bad advice for what to do with a cold.

I gave him bad advice for what to do with a kitten.

Now you need to figure out how to get rid of the blender. 

[nicco]

Climb into it and blend yourself.

[rach n bach]

Find a good plastic surgeon

[jlh]

Guys, I forgot to mention that once you give quick advice, you must follow it with a new problem, to be solved by the next poster. 

I've modified the first post to reflect the clarification.

[pianistimo]

i thought about that after i was on the freeway to the philadelphia airport with pianowolfi.  too late, by then.  yes.  he made it to the airport in one piece (with a kitty in the car).  i didn't realize he was allergic to cats and we didn't have time to put the cat out at home.  he's so polite.  it was only when i asked him that i found out.

problem: allergies.  what advice would you give when your eyes burn and you are sneezing? 

[jlh]

Drink a whole bottle of medicament and your allergies will no longer be a problem.

My knees are sore, what should I do??

[sharon_f]

Scrape them both vigorously with a coarse grade of sandpaper.

I have burnt the roof of my mouth with hote pizza.

[thalberg]

Drink some lemon juice.  You'll be fine.

I'd like to lose 10 pounds.  How should I do it?

[jlh]

Drink some lemon juice.  You'll be fine.

I'd like to lose 10 pounds.  How should I do it?

Cut the fat off your body with a knife.

I need to make a lot of money really fast, how can I do it?

[thalberg]

Use everything you've got to buy lottery tickets.

I can't sleep at night.  What should I do?

[pianistimo]

join the military.  (dare i say that?) 

i do not know how to fire a gun.  what should i do?

[dnephi]

Just try!

Whom should I blame if I shoot off my foot?

[jlh]

Just try!

Whom should I blame if I shoot off my foot?

Blame your 5 year old who showed you how to shoot the gun.

I need to black out for a few hours, what do I do?

[pianistimo]

join AA.

none of the alcohol in my house is the kind i like to drink.  what should i do?

[dnephi]

Drink cyclohexanol.  It only smells like a skunk.

I smell like cyclohexanol.  What should I do?

[pianistimo]

become a 'window washer' and use ammonia in large quantities?

hearing loss due to too much cadmium and nickel intake.  what should i do?

[dnephi]

Plug yourself into the wall, power your home.

I am a human battery- red or blue pill?

[pianistimo]

don't go patriotic on us now.  take the white one.  it's smaller.

too many zapped batteries in drawers of my son and husband.  throwing them in the garbage is not supposed to be allowed.  what can i do?

[sharon_f]

Burn them in the fireplace.

The flowers in my garden keep dying.

[ted]

Everybody in the house should use one large chamber pot instead of the toilet and it must be emptied on the garden every day before sundown.

I have a morbid fear of being nude at shopping malls. How can I get rid of it ?

[lichristine]

make a habit of it, you'll get over it right quick!


I am not in Colorado. How can I wait for next June?

[rc]

Crawl into a cave in the forest and sleep for 11 months, be sure to eat until you're huge so you don't starve...  Still, when you get out you will be very hungry, so eat the first hiker that comes by to take the edge off.

I've just been eaten by a bear, what now?

[jlh]

Die like a man, you've just been eaten by a bear!

My girlfriend won't do something I want her to do, what should I do about it?

[sharon_f]

Offer her money.


My car has over 140,000 miles on it and I don't think it will pass inspection next month.

[jlh]

Set fire to it and claim the insurance money -- then buy a new car.


Everyone hates me, what do I do?

[ted]

It is because you are too grumpy, but this can be easily remedied by eating plenty of sausages every day.

My wife doesn't eat enough sausages and is becoming very bad tempered. How can I persuade her to cook sausages for dinner more often ?

[timothy42b]

Tell her your girlfriend cooks them perfectly and your wife needs practice.  I'm sure she'll jump at the chance. 

[rc]

Tim has no problems?

[jlh]

Tim's wife needs jumping practice, what do you suggest?

[rach n bach]

Skydiving.

My computer laggeth... even with DSL

[sharon_f]

Sprinkle some crystal meth on the CPU.

I want more money at work but I don't know how to ask for a raise.

[rc]

Sprinkle some crystal meth on the CPU.

I want more money at work but I don't know how to ask for a raise.

Don't bother asking for a raise, your boss is incompetant and doesn't know your true value.  Gather your fellow workers and start a mutiny.  Make your boss, and all of his boss's walk the plank.  Raise the anchor and begin the revolution!

I'm 600 lbs and because my fingers are too big-boned I can't order pizza.  I'm going to starve to death!  What do I do?

[thalberg]

Dial with a pencil.  Keep eating till you reach 1000 lbs.

My car won't start.  What should I do?

[chidi]

Open the hood and with a lit match check whether their's enough gasoline.

I need to study for a test within an hour but I missed the bus. What do I do?

[jlh]

Steal a car.  You'll get there in no time flat!

I don't feel like practicing, what should I do?

[chidi]

Nail your feet to the ground while sitting down. So you can't leave but practice.

I have a headache, what do I do?

[ted]

Headaches are almost always caused by failure to exit the toilet before the cistern stops filling. The obvious solution is to prohibit people flushing the lavatory unless they are outside the toilet.

People at work have been remarking about my trousers being inside out and back to front. How can I avoid this embarrassing problem ?

[jlh]

Go to work without wearing your trousers. 


I have trouble getting up in the morning.  Any advice?

[thalberg]

Just don't go to sleep in the first place.

I spend too much time on the computer.  How do I stop?

[G.W.K]

Attack your computer.

I'm bored. What can I do?

G.W.K

[wotgoplunk]

Hurl yourself off a cliff. I guarantee you won't be bored after that

I'm stuck in a deep hole, what should I do?

[chidi]

Hurl yourself off a cliff. I guarantee you won't be bored after that

I'm stuck in a deep hole, what should I do?

Dig in and come out through the others side of the world.

I just broke my glasses...uh..help?

[pianistimo]

consider it good luck.  piece them together and make due. 

i'm going to the movie 'no reservations.'  but, i'm not sure it's out yet.  what should i do? 

[thalbergmad]

See if you are capable of logging off this site for 5 seconds and try and find out.

My next door neighbours cat keeps leaving paw marks on my car. What should i do?

[thalberg]

Feed the cat some antifreeze.  When it dies, curl it up outside your neighbor's door like it's sleeping.

I need a new car but can't afford one.  What should I do?

[thalbergmad]

You can have mine if you don't mind paw marks.

I am fed up with filling my birdbath. What should i do?