Last post wins!!!!!

[perfect_pitch]

Well, if we're doing poetry, here's mine:

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her, between 2 chunks of bread.

Thank you.

[j_tour]

[perfect_pitch]

[Bob]

[j_tour]

[perfect_pitch]

I'm starting to see why you sometimes strike out with the ladies if this is the advice you're following.     

[j_tour]

I'm starting to see why you sometimes strike out with the ladies if this is the advice you're following.     

Not this time, fool!  I got a new one two weeks ago.

She takes it and likes it!

[perfect_pitch]

Not this time, fool!  I got a new one two weeks ago.

And chances are you'll be quoted saying the EXACT same words 2 weeks from now.

(I am an evil bastard, aren't I?)

[j_tour]

And chances are you'll be quoted saying the EXACT same words 2 weeks from now.

Well, probably pretty good chance of that. 

It's like friends with benefits, but really just the "benefits" part.  Which is fine with me, except I need sleep in order to function at my accustomed level of competence.

[perfect_pitch]

Which is fine with me, except I need sleep in order to function at my accustomed level of competence.

Before I had surgery to correct my deviated septa's, I somehow managed to function with very little sleep... seems I am almost invincible.

I will win this posting war, and inevitably be triumphant.

[j_tour]

Before I had surgery to correct my deviated septa's, I somehow managed to function with very little sleep...

There's "functioning" and then there is CONQUERING and DOMINATING!

Women sense my power and they seek the life essence.

[perfect_pitch]

There's "functioning" and then there is CONQUERING and DOMINATING!

Yes, but I was only functioning before the surgery... now I've had the surgery to correct it - I'm going to be all that I can be and more.

[j_tour]

now I've had the surgery to correct it - I'm going to be all that I can be and more.

Good man!  My penis enlargement surgery was a success as well, and there's no stopping me now!

[perfect_pitch]

Good man!  My penis enlargement surgery was a success as well, and there's no stopping me now!

Let me guess - since you've had the surgery, you've given 'it' a name...

I dread to think what it is.

[j_tour]

Let me guess - since you've had the surgery, you've given 'it' a name...

Are you mis-gendering me on purpose or out of ignorance?

[perfect_pitch]

No... I just like to use he and him for specifically human beings as a whole. Just because a man names his arm 'Roger'... or any other part of his anatomy doesn't mean I'm going to claim that one appendage as a he. A he is the sum of all parts.

[j_tour]

No... I just like to use he and him for specifically human beings as a whole. Just because a man names his arm 'Roger'... or any other part of his anatomy doesn't mean I'm going to claim that one appendage as a he. A he is the sum of all parts.

Lighten up, Francis.  It's a joke.

I call "it" "Johnny Strongbow," anyway, and I insist all my companions do the same.

[perfect_pitch]

Lighten up, Francis.  It's a joke.

Francis is not amused.

[j_tour]

Francis is not amused.

Sure he is.  He's got a neat little hat on in that picture.

It's just not a jimmy hat.

[perfect_pitch]

Sure he is.  He's got a neat little hat on in that picture

No he isn't... according to him, everything we do and God sees is a sin. When you're cheating on a girlfriend, or lacing a drink with rohypnol, or just spending a normal sunday afternoon with some porn and a box of tissues.

Everything we do is apparently not great in the eyes of God... unless we spend 24 hours praying to him.

If you ask me, Gods a bit of an egocentric weirdo. Why does he need everyone to glorify him???

[Bob]

[perfect_pitch]

Cats rule:

[j_tour]

Cats rule

Dogs drool.

[perfect_pitch]

Cats rule

Dogs drool.

...enough to fill a swimming pool.

Hey... rhyming is fun.   

[j_tour]

Hey... rhyming is fun.   

Connemara Peated Single Malt
Is not much peat until your balls drop.

You like that?

Say it!

[Bob]

https://www.quora.com/Why-do-some-people-mostly-little-kids-believe-that-if-a-phrase-rhymes-it-must-be-true

Especially little kids.... 

[j_tour]

Especially little kids.... 

What?

[perfect_pitch]

Ohhhhh... that song is creepy in a way. The older man singing how great little girls are...

That's just wrong.

Anyway, back to poetry:

Eye halve a spelling check her;
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye kin knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A check her is a bless sing;
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule;
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are knot maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier;
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud;
And wee mussed dew da best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That’s why eye brake in two averse
Cuz eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

[j_tour]

Ohhhhh... that song is creepy in a way.

You're "creepy in a way"! 

Eh, whatever, if you can spot where or how the rhythm section turned the beat around in this, you can take my little girl off my hands for free.

Daddy's getting a little bit tired of his girl about now.  So I'm waiving my usual fee and the girl goes with the music.  No questions asked.

[perfect_pitch]

Eh, whatever, if you can spot where or how the rhythm section turned the beat around in this, you can take my little girl off my hands for free.

You can keep the girl, but I'd just do the same that good ol' Harry did here:

Shove in an extra beat and get the audience clapping on the right beat.

[j_tour]

You can keep the girl, but I'd just do the same that good ol' Harry did here

Chose bien dite exacte, et même ça gueule ça.

What are you too good for my girl now?  I get three bills off her from what I offered for free!

For the people not playing along at home, here's a lagniappe:

[perfect_pitch]

Here we go again with the Beato clips...

Can we maybe find something a little more interesting?

[j_tour]

Can we maybe find something a little more interesting?

No.

And where's my money?  You took my girl off the street for nearly an hour.  I must be paid, fool!

[perfect_pitch]

And where's my money?  You took my girl off the street for nearly an hour.  I must be paid, fool!

No I didn't... like I want your sloppy seconds.

[j_tour]

like I want your sloppy seconds.

The pride of the neighborhood? 

You'll take it and like it!

[perfect_pitch]

Sorry man, but anything you touch - I want nothing to do with.

[j_tour]

Sorry man, but anything you touch - I want nothing to do with.

Good answer. 

My girl is not street-side.  I kind of like her.

I must have misspoke and led you to believe you didn't take another gal of mine off the street.

I must be paid!

[perfect_pitch]

I must have misspoke and led you to believe you didn't take another gal of mine off the street.

I must be paid!

I don't need to get my girls off the street... there's plenty in the bars, and sports stadiums... and funnily enough - plenty of them in Apple stores.

[j_tour]

I don't need to get my girls off the street... there's plenty in the bars, and sports stadiums... and funnily enough - plenty of them in Apple stores.

You just don't get it.  I need my girls on the street, except for my lady friend.

[perfect_pitch]

Oh come on... it's not that hard. Clearly the cheeseburger stabbed another cheeseburger. We also heard the attacker ended up taking his own life on location. There was special sauce everywhere...

[j_tour]

Oh come on... it's not that hard.

Yes it is.

[perfect_pitch]

That's just sad that you don't know that, but I presume that's only because you're so old that you only ever had to clear an abacus...

 

[annonymouse2]

Francis is not amused.

Da Fadda is a  senile old Marxist..   Just ignore him.

 

[j_tour]

that's only because you're so old that you only ever had to clear an abacus...

I use a slide rule.

For everything.

[perfect_pitch]

Wow... you ARE old. I don't even know what a slide rule is.

[j_tour]

Wow... you ARE old. I don't even know what a slide rule is.

It's sort of like a dildo, but you can do math stuff with it.  I have one on the bezel of my watch.  And a really big one at home.  For the precision.

And yet you know what an abacus is.   

[perfect_pitch]

I don't even know what a slide rule is.

It's sort of like a dildo, but you can do math stuff with it.  I have one on the bezel of my watch.

You have a dildo on your watch??? That must make it awkward when people ask you for the time.

Also, I'm pretty sure they still get a lot of Chinese schools to calculate maths using Abaci because this way they can have a visual representation in their head when doing maths during tests and exams.

[Bob]

[j_tour]

this way they can have a visual representation in their head when doing maths during tests and exams.

I just visualize a table of logs.

That must make it awkward when people ask you for the time.

No, what makes it awkward is when people are confused by the hands and dials, much less the bezel, on this strange contraption I wear on my wrist.

Here, go play with a computer or something.

[perfect_pitch]

From the greatest comedian of all time:

“The thing that annoys me is people who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the f*** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?”

“I’ve got Parkinson’s disease. I wish he’d f***ing kept it.”